jglfhsfjkshf 2012

Yeah. So, yeah, well, this is it. This is 2012. I hope you didn't get an epileptic fit at the sight of this picture, if yes, I apologise in advance. I don't know why, since I wrote that song or poem in the last post I feel this kind of stubborn desperado-aggression inside, and I let it out with the brightest colours, the dashiest music... and I'm SO buying myself an acid wash denim jacket- that's not a resolution, that's a plan. And if I'm silly enough, I'll print this drawing on a shirt, haha.

I won't talk much about 2012 because I prefer not to remember most of it, though a few details pushed my life in a nice direction- who knows. I don't know, I just hope. 

Anyway, I want to say T H A N K S guys, for checking all the weird stuff I post on here, leaving comments and compliments. I wish you a fantastic NYE party, the brightest fireworks and smiles, and successful 2013. See you next year. XX

on failures and insecurities

See that picture? I failed. Yesterday I found a great photo of this boy and decided to draw it. I prepared pencils and proceeded very carefully, comparing the pictures and smaller sections of them to each other... and nevertheless, I failed. I can't tell what's wrong with the picture. It's the position of the eye balls, and little incongruities of proportion...the hair, too, perhaps. No idea. At first, I liked it, and after seeing it on screen, I thought, no, this is wrong. This is not him. ...this is horrible.

Of course, you might say it's not bad, it looks alright. It's not like the photo, but quite similar to it. But I don't want it to look alright. I want it to be perfect. And this inner perfectionist of mine, it's not a careful little guy who gently corrects me when I'm wrong, who explains to me what's to be improved- no, it's a choleric, quick-tempered bastard who is never satisfied, who wants more, and more, and more. I am unthankful. I know all that, and yet I can't help reacting, even physically. After realising my defeat, I felt like I had a raging tornado stuck in the middle of my chest, trembling, weak, dizzy. Sick because I am not almighty, which is absurd. How is it possible to carry such a fear of failure inside, that makes the blood curdle and breathing hard? How is it possible that my greatest talent is neither drawing, nor writing, nor singing nor anything else, but upsetting myself?

can it ever be quiet for a moment.

I drowned in words

words, words and shouts

that poked holes into my being

screams, cries

that tore away my skin

revealed the fires and the lava

seething in my hands.

And when the fire and the dark collided

and trunks of trees

were covering my way

a little sparkling dot of living fire

was there, and moved, and ceased.

Away.

I beg for nothing

but a bit of silence

so the volcano inside me

would die

I'd rather be as free as living fire

adventurously follow fireflies.

see you later alligator

COFFEE/ TEA BREAK! Since I ran out of ideas and motivation.
Well then, see you in a few months, weeks, whatever, with hopefully a bit of good mood, ambitions, plans and creativity!

brownian life concept shoutout

One thing is for certain- that nothing is for certain. Even things we'd never regard as unsteady- well, as I said, you never know.
Where does this lead us? Some people, like me, are floating in life, if you know what I mean, go with the wind, feel threatened if they are forced to take on responsibilities, to decide things that are forever... 
but nothing is actually forever, and on the strangest occasions this is revealed to us. Is that healthy, I ask? Even I want to know some things for sure, even I want to have at least a spark of security in my life. 
But there never seems to be any. Life is like the Brownian motion. You have those little molecules buzzing around, completely random, and at times you feel part of them and you feel great, and sometimes it's like chasing away mosquitos. So this Brownian life, is this a chance or is this the red carpet to failure? You just never fucking know.

Sometimes it does make you happy. But sometimes is not always. Shall I take the risk?

inside

Found a picture recently which so perfectly describes my state of mind and the inside of my head I was surprised.

via

the way it goes

 

Yes. Thirteen more days only until I'll be off to Albion. Unfortunately, so many things in my life are going so terribly wrong at the moment that I don't look even half as much forward to it as it'd have been good for me, and I'm probably even less than half excited. Albion, you must fix this as soon as I'm there.

the journey

look, here it is, it's right ahead
and now confronting you
a rock to climb, a route to find
so, what you're gonna do?


you call your folks, get some support
and now back to the task
riddle to solve, deep sea to dive
'but how?' you're gonna ask


united powers is the key,
you all will think and start
to get it done, quite confident
but soon you'll fall apart
one tries like this, one tries like that
and never you agree
on how to find your way, the way
how it's supposed to be


it gets quite harsh, the argument, 
and everyone decides
to work his way through rain and dust
to all existing sides


your way, it tears you into bits
far too exhausting to move on
besides, you miss the others, it's
not fun, this journey, anymore


and you return to reconcile
continue as a team
but later a new rock arrives
and there you go again!


you fight again and you can't find
the little path for which you strive
to climb that rock, to tame the sea,
to live this thing called life.