It's the 1st of April, 02:13 am.
Last night has been spent entirely by me sitting over books about spiritism and new media around 1900 to finish a paper I had to hand in today in the morning. By means of napping I have caught up on sleep a little during the day, not that it has helped to relieve the feeling of a heavy head though - I feel really weird and pretty churned up inside. When its dark and I am to agitated too sleep I decide to just hang around, chill and do whatever comes to my mind.
I find something to read. It's nothing special, an easy read, some plain entertainment to relax from the intensity of last nights research and processing of 100 year old esoterics. Kind of an action drama story, with a good dash of cool-bad-guy-meets-cool-good-gal. It's surprisingly intriguing and perfectly caters for my strange current mood, which my brain reminds me to be at least a little bit embarrassed about every couple of chapters. It's the kind of story where you read and have thoughts like "...oh come on, suggest to cooperate already...come on, do it, I know it will happen anyway...YES" and "...ahaha wonderful, don't let anyone else creep up on her, well done boy..!" and "...aaw man, he's so obviously in love and everybody tells you he is, can you just stop questioning it already...?" and "oh shit?! no, he can't be dead now, don't gimme that, just no!"" and obviously "YIS omg this is so cute omg omg omg YAY". You probably know what I mean, the feeling when you really really really want your favourite characters from a tv show to get together and they struggle endlessly but finally do- that kind of story.
So, here I am, biting my nails for these guys and basically jumping up and down on my bed thanks to a massively fucked up sleeping pattern, various things going wrong a lot these days and dangerous amounts of caffeine. At 04:03 I get a text from a friend who was gonna meet some boy at a party this evening for the first time. Apparently she's home already, the text says "well...we did kiss eventually". So I text a big "yaaaay!" as a cheers to those guys now. Then I pause, because suddenly it feels strange to be alone, to have looked forward to nothing but the possibility of spending a night just reading something. I feel weird.
I ignore the fact that my alarm will ring at 08:00 and read until 06:23. I feel great and horrible at the same time, I reckon that my brain is sending me cryptic chemical messages that are supposed to mean something like "girl, get some fucking sleep, and how about you tidy up your life to the point when you know what you have to do, have a plan, and don't just live from mission impossible to mission impossible for a change?" but maybe it doesn't, or maybe it sucks at chemistry, because I just feel like dancing and crying and drowning and laughing at the same time. In the final paragraphs, the cool bad guy says something like "I'm very disturbed when some particular thing is out of my control...someone". I feel like that 'out of control' fear hypothesis is pretty acurate for me, too - with the slight difference that literally everything is out of my control and that is indeed well disturbing. I can't fall asleep for a while because my pulse is too loud and ticks against my pillow, and that enrages me. I can't decide if I'm content for the moment or completely miserable. It's April Fools' Day.