untitled #16

I am not exactly sure what I look for in people. I am also not exactly sure if I look for something in people at all. Feels like I catch something like a distant glimpse of them, and if the first impressions are promising I start inventing them. I play this game with myself every time I find somebody remotely worthy of attention, I ask myself- what could be their favourite book? Would they understand if I told them about Salvador Dalì's anteater and my soft spot for the smell of washing powder? How do they usually dress? What does it sound like when they laugh? Who are their friends? Do they curl up when they sleep, or do the stretch out on the entire bed? There is no real point to this game. I can only say that I am fond of people as long as they stay away from me. As soon as the first impression is followed by others, disappointment waves hello- of course it does, am I Gandalf, to guess everything right? Depending on how much I liked the people in first place I spend some time mourning personalities that never existed. Depending on how much I liked them I either shrug and think, well, failed- or I am genuinely upset for days. The smart question would be, how stupid am I? The only answer I have is that maybe I am lonely. There are so many obscure, startling, funny things in my head but I feel like I can only talk to those about them who are exactly what I imagine them to be, simply because what I imagine is what is nearest and most welcome to me- some sort of ill optimism, if you like. I feel like there is no point in trying to explain to the rest. After all, it seems to me that my vision of the world is always through some multi-coloured veil that blurs everything I don't want to see- I take a look, if I like what I see, I smile - metaphorically speaking - and if the smile doesn't come back I leave for good. I don't like people and their company a lot but paradoxically there's few things I love as much as bright city lights. I very much doubt that this makes any sense. Bearing all this in mind, I couldn't have made it through life without writing and drawing- for all my strange ideas it is an exit from my mind, and I can share them with whoever comes across it. I believe that someday someone will take pleasure in what I created for the exact same reason that I took pleasure in creating it. This is important. Someday, maybe, someone will say the exact same thing that I think, and maybe then even I won't feel so alone anymore.

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