Last night I dreamt that you betrayed me.
It was most unexpected, most horribly strange.
…I
was at some kind of outdoor exhibition with a few people I know very little of.
We were in a kind of cabin, listening to someone explaining a matter I cannot
remember now, when I saw you through the window. You walked out of a corn
field, looking quite cheerful, and you were not alone. There was a girl beside
you, but she didn’t matter, I was looking at you. It felt like the most unreal,
most fantastic thing to happen, bumping into you somewhere in the outskirts of
reason. I ran to the window, called your name and waved; I was scared you could
just walk past me and I would never exchange a glance with you, never exchange
words, thoughts, comfort, favourite books and ice cream flavours. And you saw
me. For a moment as bright as a butterfly I was pure happiness. But with that
merry face, that unusually bright smile you started walking straight towards
the window, reached it, lay your hand on the glass - and looked right through
me. An entirely empty face, entirely empty eyes. I shied away from you. All the
things I have seen in you were suddenly gone, you were a stranger, and you
scared me. All the little bubbles of mutual understanding that filled my mind
at the thought of you were violently smashed in this moment. With the same
empty smile you walked away, and the girl, whoever it was, went with you. She
didn’t matter, but I felt like in this moment you vanished from my sight and
from my hopes. Last night I dreamt that somebody important stopped meaning
anything to me.
…this is fucking strange, I know. I dreamt
it and it felt like being punched in the chest. I hope this is no prophecy, I
hope we’ll meet in a different way.
When I woke up I had to leave the house
instantly. I didn’t eat, didn’t drink and left to mind my business. I had to
see a doctor before uni and this is where I went, a hospital in a part of the
town I barely know. But I was in trance, in a very strange state of mind. Too
many things were happening. On my way from there to uni I decided to ignore the
tram I usually took and got on a bus. No idea which bus, no idea where exactly
it went. The schedule said it stopped somewhere near a street whose name sounded
familiar to me, it would be fine.
The route was surprisingly long. We drove
past vast fields, single houses, lonely trees and bushes. And then I saw it.
A brown field on this dusky morning, spotted
with orange dots. What the hell? We drove past. What the hell was that? A
house, someone’s garage, bushes. Another field. …Pumpkins?! Never before had I
seen a pumpkin field. Pumpkins lay there like toys, pumpkins to the far away
horizon…I felt like in a different world, in a different time… I felt like the
world was not hopelessly forlorn.
Please don’t laugh.
When I got out of the bus where I intended,
I realised it would be a long, long walk to uni. I decided not to go to uni. I
got on a tram and went to a bookshop where I spent hours in the corner with
musician’s biographies. I got to read some interesting stuff about Morrissey. I
learned that people actually write books about what happens when indie becomes
mainstream. I took a look at last week’s NME but had no money with me so
decided to buy it the next day. It was a special issue, 10 years of Up the Bracket. It made me think. Ten
years, what had happened to me during the last ten years? Good things, bad
things, things that have worn me out.
Last night I dreamt of more disappointment
than I could bear.
Beautiful. I loved the story. That's the kind of writting i enjoy the most. Intense, short, direct. I really loved it ; )
ReplyDeleteWherever the Sunset is
Ich habe deinen Kommentar geliebt! Dieser super lange Satz die vielen Nebensätze- ich habe es mit Wonne gelesen! Ach ja und dein Pete aus dem Post To pete ist sehr, sehr cool! Ich liebe dieses Bild! Warum studierst du nicht Kunst oder Design? Du machst so tolle Sachen!
ReplyDeleteLiebste grüße, Coco
I love the Smiths, I love your thoughts, your pics and everything on your blog!
ReplyDeleteDo you think we could follow each other? :)
http://coldinvitation.blogspot.com
Such a wonderful blog you have. Lately I haven't been writing and drawing because of things and they're complicated, they fill my mind so much, you know. And after visiting I felt like I wanna explode and make art again. You're such a lovely person.
ReplyDeleteThanks. So am I, I mean waiting for new posts from you. :)
ReplyDeleteI really like the Smiths and the story is really beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteYou got tagged by me in my last post, maybe you have a look and decide if you like to answer the questions.
http://dazwischentage.blogspot.de/2012/11/impressions-instagram-october.html
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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