Last night I dreamt that you betrayed me. It was most unexpected, most horribly strange.
…I was at some kind of outdoor exhibition with a few people I know very little of. We were in a kind of cabin, listening to someone explaining a matter I cannot remember now, when I saw you through the window. You walked out of a corn field, looking quite cheerful, and you were not alone. There was a girl beside you, but she didn’t matter, I was looking at you. It felt like the most unreal, most fantastic thing to happen, bumping into you somewhere in the outskirts of reason. I ran to the window, called your name and waved; I was scared you could just walk past me and I would never exchange a glance with you, never exchange words, thoughts, comfort, favourite books and ice cream flavours. And you saw me. For a moment as bright as a butterfly I was pure happiness. But with that merry face, that unusually bright smile you started walking straight towards the window, reached it, lay your hand on the glass - and looked right through me. An entirely empty face, entirely empty eyes. I shied away from you. All the things I have seen in you were suddenly gone, you were a stranger, and you scared me. All the little bubbles of mutual understanding that filled my mind at the thought of you were violently smashed in this moment. With the same empty smile you walked away, and the girl, whoever it was, went with you. She didn’t matter, but I felt like in this moment you vanished from my sight and from my hopes. Last night I dreamt that somebody important stopped meaning anything to me.
…this is fucking strange, I know. I dreamt it and it felt like being punched in the chest. I hope this is no prophecy, I hope we’ll meet in a different way.
When I woke up I had to leave the house instantly. I didn’t eat, didn’t drink and left to mind my business. I had to see a doctor before uni and this is where I went, a hospital in a part of the town I barely know. But I was in trance, in a very strange state of mind. Too many things were happening. On my way from there to uni I decided to ignore the tram I usually took and got on a bus. No idea which bus, no idea where exactly it went. The schedule said it stopped somewhere near a street whose name sounded familiar to me, it would be fine.
The route was surprisingly long. We drove past vast fields, single houses, lonely trees and bushes. And then I saw it.
A brown field on this dusky morning, spotted with orange dots. What the hell? We drove past. What the hell was that? A house, someone’s garage, bushes. Another field. …Pumpkins?! Never before had I seen a pumpkin field. Pumpkins lay there like toys, pumpkins to the far away horizon…I felt like in a different world, in a different time… I felt like the world was not hopelessly forlorn.
Please don’t laugh.
When I got out of the bus where I intended, I realised it would be a long, long walk to uni. I decided not to go to uni. I got on a tram and went to a bookshop where I spent hours in the corner with musician’s biographies. I got to read some interesting stuff about Morrissey. I learned that people actually write books about what happens when indie becomes mainstream. I took a look at last week’s NME but had no money with me so decided to buy it the next day. It was a special issue, 10 years of Up the Bracket. It made me think. Ten years, what had happened to me during the last ten years? Good things, bad things, things that have worn me out.
Last night I dreamt of more disappointment than I could bear.